Serenity’s Soul
January 19, 2010
Dear Serenity’s Soul
I have never been this paranoid before. I didn’t work today, but just going to the store made me feel uncomfortable. I looked at everyone like they could be my enemy, and I feared them. I don’t know who this man is that knows me and would be kind enough to pay my bill. I didn’t see his face or hear his voice. I don’t know who to look for. I just don’t know what to think anymore. For the most part, I just stayed inside and cried today. You just couldn’t possibly know how bad I feel. My heart feels like a junk yard where life just dumps all of the situations that sorrow and confusion chose for me, and I just can’t take it anymore! I CAN’T! I mean really, I’m not a strong person. I’ve always been weak. I’ve always been on the ground trying to crawl to the next day. I’ve never skipped cheerfully into the light of the morning. I remember constantly weeping through the darkness of the night, like some poor pathetic lost soul that can’t find its purpose for ever living in this stupid world anyway. I hate my life, and you know, I just can’t escape it. Every day seems like life is just making more room for more sorrow to come. And I’m not sitting here just having some meaningless pity party. If life really wasn’t this way…if this part of my life really didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be writing this. I promise I wouldn’t. But I can’t lie to you. I wouldn’t dare lie to you because I can’t lie to myself and convince myself that I’m the happiest person in the world, when really, I’m not and I don’t know if I’ll ever be.
What I feel is pain. What I am is miserable. I…hold on, someone is at the door. I’ll come back, Serenity, and finish this later.
Bye for now,
Monica
