Serenity’s Soul

February 11, 2010

Dear Serenity’s Soul,

If I could describe my mind to you right now, I am afraid you would not understand. Still, I have to try, because if I don’t…then there would be a part of me, on this day, that would be left out. My mind is like a purple fog—why purple? I don’t really know myself. Perhaps it's because it is trapped in my inner most feelings, the ones that are passionate about living life. Yes, my cellphone played its little tune, and on the other end was the comforting, yet mysterious sound of my mother’s voice.
“Monica?”
I was trying to hold back tears. “Mom, are you okay?”
“Yeah, Baby, I am. Are you?”
“I am doing the best I can. Where are you?”
“I am in a hotel, I’ll be home in two days.”
“Why the secrets, Mom? I thought we were at a point where we could tell each other everything.”
“You have to understand, Monica. I can’t tell you things I am not sure of myself. This is my journey too, and just like you, I have to find myself again.”
“But I thought we were doing it together.”
“We are together, I promise you that.”
“Then who is he?”
There was silence. “What are you talking about?”
“Mom, I was in town with Francis and I saw you talking to this guy. Is he the same guy you left with? Who is he?”
The silence returned and just lingered. “Mom, the question is simple because I know you know the answer.”
“I will be home in two days, Monica.”
“That is no answer, Mom!” I was becoming upset. “Just tell me!”
“We need to talk face to face, Monica.”
“This cellphone is just fine. Now prove to me that we are on this journey together! Prove it! Tell me what I want to know!”
I heard her take a deep breath, and in that breath was the sound of a secret that she didn’t want to reveal. “Monica, your father and I were young and poor, but we loved each other. We didn’t have anything…nothing at all, but each other. I became pregnant, and we didn’t know what to do. We thought a lot about keeping him, but we both knew that although we would love him, we would be unable to give him a proper home. So, we decided that we would give our baby boy up for adoption hoping that he would find a loving and proper home. It was a decision that hurt us both, but we felt we had to love him enough to give him a chance at a better life. Afterwards, we still wanted to be together, so we got married and tried to work hard at building a life together, and then I became pregnant with you. You and your brother, Landon, are two years apart.”
My heart sank to the bottom of my soul. I couldn’t say anything.
“Landon said that he wanted to know where he came from, so he started looking for his family. He followed all kinds of leads, but found out that we were scattered. It turns out that he had spoken to Francis before we first got here. She remembered the situation, and told him that we had moved to the city with our daughter…his sister, Monica Corbin. He couldn’t find your father, and I went by a street name, but you, Monica, remained you…so he said he found you, but when he came back to actually see you, to talk to you, you were gone. He said he didn’t know where to go, but back to Francis, and my goodness, Monica…here we are.”

I could hear the tears in her voice. I could feel them in my soul. I cried my own tears and felt my own pain, yet at the same time…I had a brother. All of these years thinking that I was alone, and somewhere out there, I had a brother named Landon. That is when my mind became purple, as if to bring some sort of color to a colorless situation. And this puzzle with all of these scattered pieces actually looked hopeful.

“Monica?”
“I’m still here, Mama.”
“I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I don’t, Mama.”
“I will be home in two days, and Landon had to leave, but he will be back here soon too to meet you, and the three of us will find your father together.”
Tears just kept coming. “Okay, Mama.”
“I love you, Monica.”
I whispered back, “I love you too.”

And then we hung up.

I took a deep breath and just stared down at the floor. I heard a knock at my door. “Come in.”
“Hey, Girly, Mocha and I went for a walk and…” Francis could see the tears in my eyes.
She put Mocha down, and rushed to sit beside me. “What’s wrong?”
I looked at this woman, this mysterious being, and just smiled. “Francis, it’s like you know everything but you pretend like you don’t know anything. You know that you know, but you…you just let things be.”
She smiled. “I know it seems like I know everything, but I am just a human. However, I do know a lot about your life, Monica, because I was there to witness your beginning.”
“So, why don’t you tell me things?...Things like, “Hey, Monica, you have a brother.”
She laughed. “So your mother called?”
“Yes.”
“Well, Sweety, I could have told you that, but then what would you have asked me afterwards?”
I thought for a minute. “What happened to him?”
“Yeah. And then what?”
“Who is he? Where is he? Why did he leave?”
“Yeah, and you know what?”
“What?”
“I wasn’t the one that had him. I wasn’t the one that had to make the decision to give him up for adoption. I am not the one that would have the explanation. Monica, Dear, I am only here to help you along the way as you find out what you need to know from your mother. I’m not here to tell you everything because I am not your mother. I am here to help hold your hand, because I am your friend.”
“Francis?”
“Yes?”
“There are many unanswered things. Even though this puzzle is slowly coming together in the strangest of ways, there are still so many gaps. How did we get from here to the city, and why didn’t we just stay here…how…” and then I stopped. Francis was just giving me that same look. I mean, after all, she had just finished telling me her purpose for being in my life.
“You’re not going to answer those questions, huh?”
 “No, because this is your journey, and the interesting part of a journey are the mysteries a head. You’ll get your answers. This is life and you’re living it. There is a lot more to life, a lot more to learn and to endure. You’re doing well, so don’t become discouraged. No matter what happens, you will have a better understanding of you. I’m proud of you, Monica.”
Then she got up and left the room. Francis will always be a mystery in her own way, and you know what…maybe that’s not a bad thing.

Goodnight,

Monica